Anxiety, Depression, and Binge Drinking
If you saw me walking down the street today, you'd never know the internal struggle I am going through. If you saw me in the grocery store today, you'd never know that I have cried myself to sleep every night this week. If you saw me at the post office today, you'd never know I feel ashamed to be in my own body. If you just waved and smiled at me, I sure as hell waved and smiled back and probably started up a conversation. You'd never know... you'd never know that this week, past month, last year, has been hell.
My anxiety and depression have been worse since a breakup I dealt with last year (well, almost a year). Even before that, in the relationship, it was pretty terrible. I never realized I could be so unhappy in a seemingly "happy" relationship. I also didn't realize when that relationship ended that I'd be even worse than I was in it... because there was so much toxicity during the relationship, you'd think getting out would be a treasure. It was. I am definitely better off but the steps I took and am still taking to get over it were and are detrimental to my overall physical and mental well-being.
As most of you know, if you are my close friend or family, I am a party gal. I like to go out, drink, dance, drink more, and then drink a little more. I usually can't go out and just have one or two beers. Once it hits the lips, the alcohol keeps flowing into the early hours of the next morning. That usually means one of two things:
1. I get blackout and put myself in very sketchy and dangerous situations.
or
2. I get blackout and make it home safely.
The next day usually consists of me struggling to get out of the bed to make it to work or me staying in the bed all day, sometimes making it to the couch to nurse my hangover and waste the next 24 hours of my life. My activities include: chugging water with liquid iv, ordering pizza hut, having panic attacks, smoking a lot of weed, trying to remember what I did the night before, who I was with, how I got home, etc. etc. I think you get the picture. It is a vicious cycle because I usually start drinking out of anxiety in the first place. In the beginning, those first couple drinks help my anxiety immensely. You forget it all. That little buzz you're getting makes all the awful things in your life disappear. They slowly fade away... but the more you drink, all of those trauma's come back to haunt you.
*Cue the ugly crying and word vomit, please.*
I used to be a fun party gal... now I'm just a depressing, self-loathing one.
"Hey guys, let's get this pity party started!" Sounds like a blasty blast, doesn't it? NOT.
I have had some awful things happen to me in my past. I have had some nasty shit happen to me, like, two weeks ago too. A lot of things happened during childhood, some things happened in high school and college, but mostly everything after has happened to me because of me and my drinking. It doesn't give anyone in my life who has treated me badly or unfairly an excuse or an out, because those people need to be held accountable, but if I wasn't drinking, most of the damage done could have been avoided.
I am at a time in my life where I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't feel good about myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body. I feel rundown. I feel unwanted. I pretty much feel gross. And you know what? The only fucking person who can change that is me. I want to enjoy this decade and my thirties immensely and actually LIVE it. I am proud to say I have not had any alcohol in 6 days. 6 days, y'all. That may not sound like a lot, but I am a lady who usually has a glass or two of wine A NIGHT. I plan on sticking to this sober thing for awhile. I want to be in control of my life and my actions instead of alcohol doing that for me. I want to be present and healthy. I want to be a better daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I choose me. I have had a wild journey so far and I am done trying to be someone or something to other people and not putting myself first.
So, if you've made it this far, thank you. Thank you for listening. I have been thinking about writing this all week and I was very nervous. I don't know if I am scared of judgement (probably not... ha-ha) or nervous that if I put it in writing, it means I really have to stick to it... but this uneasy feeling probably means it is time for CHANGE. If any of you struggle with binge drinking your sorrows away, just know you are not alone. I am sure there are more people experiencing it than we think. I am lucky to have such a wonderful family and amazing friends who listen to me and are always willing to help me when I need it. I am truly blessed. Yes, I said it... HASHTAG BLESSED. Ba-ha. Okay. I'm done.
Oh yeah, I have yoga at noon, y'all. I'm trying to get back to the thing that has always made me the happiest. Baby steps, guys... baby steps. Much love. Enjoy this day! <3
My anxiety and depression have been worse since a breakup I dealt with last year (well, almost a year). Even before that, in the relationship, it was pretty terrible. I never realized I could be so unhappy in a seemingly "happy" relationship. I also didn't realize when that relationship ended that I'd be even worse than I was in it... because there was so much toxicity during the relationship, you'd think getting out would be a treasure. It was. I am definitely better off but the steps I took and am still taking to get over it were and are detrimental to my overall physical and mental well-being.
As most of you know, if you are my close friend or family, I am a party gal. I like to go out, drink, dance, drink more, and then drink a little more. I usually can't go out and just have one or two beers. Once it hits the lips, the alcohol keeps flowing into the early hours of the next morning. That usually means one of two things:
1. I get blackout and put myself in very sketchy and dangerous situations.
or
2. I get blackout and make it home safely.
The next day usually consists of me struggling to get out of the bed to make it to work or me staying in the bed all day, sometimes making it to the couch to nurse my hangover and waste the next 24 hours of my life. My activities include: chugging water with liquid iv, ordering pizza hut, having panic attacks, smoking a lot of weed, trying to remember what I did the night before, who I was with, how I got home, etc. etc. I think you get the picture. It is a vicious cycle because I usually start drinking out of anxiety in the first place. In the beginning, those first couple drinks help my anxiety immensely. You forget it all. That little buzz you're getting makes all the awful things in your life disappear. They slowly fade away... but the more you drink, all of those trauma's come back to haunt you.
*Cue the ugly crying and word vomit, please.*
I used to be a fun party gal... now I'm just a depressing, self-loathing one.
"Hey guys, let's get this pity party started!" Sounds like a blasty blast, doesn't it? NOT.
I have had some awful things happen to me in my past. I have had some nasty shit happen to me, like, two weeks ago too. A lot of things happened during childhood, some things happened in high school and college, but mostly everything after has happened to me because of me and my drinking. It doesn't give anyone in my life who has treated me badly or unfairly an excuse or an out, because those people need to be held accountable, but if I wasn't drinking, most of the damage done could have been avoided.
I am at a time in my life where I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't feel good about myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body. I feel rundown. I feel unwanted. I pretty much feel gross. And you know what? The only fucking person who can change that is me. I want to enjoy this decade and my thirties immensely and actually LIVE it. I am proud to say I have not had any alcohol in 6 days. 6 days, y'all. That may not sound like a lot, but I am a lady who usually has a glass or two of wine A NIGHT. I plan on sticking to this sober thing for awhile. I want to be in control of my life and my actions instead of alcohol doing that for me. I want to be present and healthy. I want to be a better daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I choose me. I have had a wild journey so far and I am done trying to be someone or something to other people and not putting myself first.
So, if you've made it this far, thank you. Thank you for listening. I have been thinking about writing this all week and I was very nervous. I don't know if I am scared of judgement (probably not... ha-ha) or nervous that if I put it in writing, it means I really have to stick to it... but this uneasy feeling probably means it is time for CHANGE. If any of you struggle with binge drinking your sorrows away, just know you are not alone. I am sure there are more people experiencing it than we think. I am lucky to have such a wonderful family and amazing friends who listen to me and are always willing to help me when I need it. I am truly blessed. Yes, I said it... HASHTAG BLESSED. Ba-ha. Okay. I'm done.
Oh yeah, I have yoga at noon, y'all. I'm trying to get back to the thing that has always made me the happiest. Baby steps, guys... baby steps. Much love. Enjoy this day! <3
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