SIX MONTHS ALCOHOL FREE

Here we are... yes, I say we because I wouldn't have reached this moment without the help from a lot of you. I feel so many emotions as I sit here typing this. I am currently crying, feeling so full of love and at the same time, crying from all the terrible things that happened to me that led to my decision to be better, not only for myself, but for the people I surround myself with. Life is one big wave, y'all and I've been cruising in the barrel these last six months... and isn't that every surfer's dream? I didn't realize how much I would change during this journey when I decided to quit drinking for good. I honestly thought not that much would change other than less hangovers, better complexion, and saving a shit ton of money. I was extremely incorrect, although all those things did happen.

When I first decided to stop drinking, I had just got home from a "vacation" to NYC. If you look at the pictures I posted online, it looks like I had a blasty blast. FALSE (this is why we should never compare ourselves to anyone's internet life)! That trip was fucked. I was broken. I was broken way before that trip but something in me changed and I just knew I no longer wanted to feel what I was feeling and what I had been feeling for years.

I had known for a long time that my alcohol consumption was not normal. I mean, when you have your first alcoholic drink at the age of 13, you don't think that will lead you to where I am now but honestly, once I started, I never really stopped. I drank all through 8th grade into high school and then obviously (but why obviously?) in college. I could always make an excuse for myself in my early twenties because every single person I knew and surrounded myself with did the same exact thing. We were all confused 20-somethings trying to figure shit out, have fun, and live. We all had the same anxieties and fears. We all bonged beers until those fears disappeared. I just thought it was normal. It is what I had seen and been around my whole life.

It got harder to make excuses for myself as I crept into my late twenties. The hangovers were getting really bad. I was blacking out more when I drank. I would show up late to work a lot... sometimes not go at all. Still, I just saw it as me having fun... but oh my gosh, it was anything but fun. It was a vicious cycle of drinking to have fun, turning into hangxiety, turning into guilt, turning into drinking away all these emotions, turning into a not very pleasant Shannon. I can't even count the amount of times I said, "I'm never drinking again." 

So, there I was. March 1, 2020. Sitting in my living room, half-drunk from the plane ride back to CLT. I had bruises on my body that I didn't know where they came from (that happened A LOT), I hadn't showered in over 48 hours, and I was looking at myself in the mirror feeling so disgusted and upset. I couldn't recall most of what happened in New York City. I had just lost a friend of 10 years because of NYC. I didn't recognize myself. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt like myself either. I decided right there that I was no longer going to make myself feel this way. I wasn't going to allow other people to make me feel any kind of way either. I knew in that moment that it was all up to me. No one was going to help me... a lot of people tried for years. That saying is real, y'all... you know the one... the one that goes something like, "no one can help you, until you help yourself." That is where I was and so I picked myself up off the bathroom floor, got my ass in the shower, washed the guilt and regret down the drain, and let my misery just be mine. I did not call anyone. I didn't ask for any help. It was time for me to put my big girl pants on and wake myself up. 

March 2, 2020 was my first alcohol-free day and would be the first of many because once I put something in my mind and heart, I do it. Luckily, I am strong-willed (some may say stubborn) and I decided to take on this adventure by myself, cold turkey, if you will. The first week was brutal. I don't think I have ever cried that much. I did not sleep. I went through some withdrawals (which I did not expect because I didn't consider myself an alcoholic) so that made it difficult for me to sleep. Night sweats were the leading factor that kept me up at night and, of course, my lovely anxiety-ridden brain whispering secrets in my ears all night. I'd say that lasted maybe two weeks max. and then I was sleeping like a baby... like, some of the best sleep I have had in several years. Yippee.

When I first quit, I was scared. I was scared that I wouldn't be as fun or that people would judge me. I didn't want to change who I was but at the same time, I totally did want to change. Now, at six months, I have learned so much and that thought process isn't really there anymore. Why? Well, I know the people who are supposed to be in my life and the people who really love me would never judge me, especially when my choice is a positive one and one that will make me become who I was always supposed to be. I will always be the crazy, silly, and fun Shannon. I don't know when it clicked in my brain that I thought I needed alcohol to be that Shannon, but I don't and I never did. After you do something for so long it becomes a part of who you are and alcohol had done just that. Except it was the part of me that I hated most. Instead of keeping me fun, it brought me down and I brought a lot of people down with me (misery loves company, amiright?) and I am sorry for that.

Okay, I know I have been rambling but I just wanted to give you a little background as to how I got here and why I decided to be living like this in the first place. The real reason I am writing this is to say THANK YOU. Thank you to my wonderful family and friends who have supported me this entire time, even when I was a dick or did things to you that probably weren't very nice, during my drunken stupors. Thank you for the calls and texts. Thank you for the AA invites. Thank you for the advice. Thank you for listening to my everlasting stories. Thank you for loving me for who I am, even my many flaws. I don't think I could ever express how grateful I am to have all of you in my life (you all know who you are) and how full of love and hope you guys fill me up with but I love you and again, I thank you.

I also want to thank myself. I want to thank myself for being brave and making myself extremely uncomfortable. I thank myself for being that girl who feels everything so deeply and all at once. I thank myself for remaining strong no matter how many times I wanted to give up. I thank myself for wearing my heart and feelings right smack on my sleeve because I just can't fucking help it. I am proud to be in the skin I am in today... and it's only been six months, folks. I can't even imagine what I will feel like at 6 years. 

I don't want to think of myself as changing (in reality, I know that I am), because I do think I was pretty cool, even when I was a binge-drinking alcoholic. I read something about "becoming" that someone posted on one of my AA pages (pretty sure it was a bible verse) and I loved it so much that I wanted to end on it because it's exactly how I feel. Unfortunately, I can't find it anymore, haha, but I'll leave you with something kind of close to it. Before I leave, just know I truly love each of you reading this and following my journey. If you are going through anything at all, I hope this resonates with you and can maybe help in some way. You are not alone. Believe me, YOU ARE NOT ALONE and you are worthy of a beautiful, fulfilling life, even if you don't think you deserve it. One day at a time. Much love.