All Mixed Up

It's been awhile, folks, so I thought I'd stop in and tell you a little bit about what's been on my mind lately. My last blog post was when I was 6 months alcohol-free. I am now at 19 months and I can't even believe I just typed that number. Since those 6 months, I have grown and gone backwards, grown again, loved, laughed, cried, panicked, had cravings, joined new clubs, met new friends, and moved in with my best friend who also happens to be the love of my life. That all sounds so perfect doesn't it? Well, it's not, because nothing ever is and that's okay. 

2020 was a huge year for me. It was a year of discovering myself. All the nooks and crannies. I analyzed my flaws. I celebrated my wins. I cried more tears than one should produce. I explored myself in ways I didn't know I could and I started loving myself a whole hell of a lot more. People started to tell me I was GLOWing. They could see my happiness shining through, not just through my body, better complexion, or bagless eyes (all of that did happen :) ) but they could see it simply through my smile and the way I was carrying myself. It was legit a VIBE. 

I read books. I made jewelry. I cooked myself dinners. I baked new creations. I took walks and played on swings. I paddle boarded. I meditated. I practiced yoga. I painted. I sang and danced. I found a new love for plants and bird watching. I sat silently in my living room staring at the walls. I decorated. I created a home. I wrote. I cried. I felt every single emotion every single day. Some days, I had cravings but I still never picked up a drink. I took each day one day at a time. 2020 was one of the best years, if not the best, I've had on this planet and I have had some pretty rad years.

2021 is different. Amazing for so many reasons but still different. This year I have felt a little lost. I'm somewhere between trying to lose my old self and figuring out my new self and it's absolutely terrifying and weird. I don't even know what that means either. Sometimes, I just want to be my high school self. I miss the girl who didn't give two shits about what anyone else thought about her. I want her self-confidence... her fierceness. I want the ability to walk in to a room and feel like I OWN it. I used to be that girl. Now, some days, I just feel...

"all mixed up (and) don't know what to do." 

I feel like I'm living with two identities, if that makes sense at all.

My anxiety tells me that I am not doing my best. It tells me I should always be doing something but then burns me out. That little whisper in my ear is always asking, "but what if this happens...?" "what if they won't like me anymore?" when all I really want to be thinking is, "what if it's amazing? and "what if I make new friends?"

The anxiety will always be there. I know that. I have coping mechanisms that I use on a daily basis but then there are weeks when I trail off. Again, I know that's okay but the other part of my brain likes to tell me that it's not. I guess what I am getting at is that I am confused, a little lost, still figuring stuff out, and I will always be recovering. My recovery will never end. I will not be able to go back to drinking socially, like, ever. Today, I am okay with that and actually find peace in that statement. Tomorrow, I don't know how I will feel about it but I know I will get through it. 

Navigating this life isn't easy, my friends, for anyone. Navigating life alcohol-free after drinking for 17 years (not thinking of it as a problem) is the damn Twilight Zone and I thank all of you who have been my friend throughout this journey. These past two years have been the longest emotional rollercoaster ride. It's time to get off and enjoy some carnival snacks, dude.

Today, I'm going to enjoy my illusionary funnel cakes and candy apples, singing, 

"fuck the naysayers because they don't mean a thing and this is the style (I) bring!" 

The style I choose to bring today and, hopefully, every day after is one of gratitude and resilience. I am a grateful badass, y'all. Thanks for letting me ramble. Much love.

*I thought of writing this blog post when I was driving a couple weeks ago jamming to 311... hence the lyrics throughout - haha.