Taking Steps
I say this almost every day of my life now.
I just made it to the rooms of AA this year (January 2024) and I honestly don’t know how I ended up there but I’m really glad I did.
Well, I do know… a friend of mine led me and then you can say it was a God shot because not even two weeks later, my mom passed away.
Something bigger than myself knew what this year was going to bring me and knew I needed AA.
When I say it’s been a journey, there is actually no other way to put it other than that because it’s a trip I’ve never experienced before and it’s still happening. Every day is something different and my entire being is shifting. My soul, still there, pretty much the same. But my mind and heart are healing, growing, crying, and going a little crazy.
For the first few weeks in the program, I was simply going to meetings. Those meetings filled my cup. The people made me feel like I wasn’t alone in my thinking. Hearing everyone share their stories and experiences was simply amazing. The vulnerability and honesty in the rooms is chefs kiss.
But… in AA, apparently meetings aren’t enough. I wasn’t aware and when I became aware, I just pretended like it’d be okay and no one would shut me out from coming to a meeting.
They won’t tell you not to be there, but they will tell you that’s not how you’re going to stay sober.
What did they know though? I stopped drinking in 2020 and I have been completely sober since 11/4/2022 without a program. Clearly, it can happen without AA.
After one of the meetings, a lady approached me and stated she had seen me coming around lately and asked me about my story.
“So, do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps and reading the big book?”
“Um, no, I’m just coming to meetings… I’m just chillen.”
“Well, that’s not going to work… I’m going to be your sponsor.”
“Uh, what? I don’t think I like that.”
“You need a sponsor to take you through the steps and you need to buy a big book. Here’s my number, call me tomorrow.”
What the fuck just happened?
A lot just happened in mere seconds. I had a sponsor I didn’t ask for, spent some money on a book I didn’t want, and felt obligated to call this random person tomorrow for reasons I didn’t understand.
The next few months, life kept on being life and fucked up things kept happening and I kept calling this woman and talking to her about it. We never really made it through the steps before she stopped sponsoring me but we established a routine with each other, a friendship, and I ended up wanting to talk to her most days.
One day, sponsorship stopped. I didn’t have too many people to call or talk to anymore. I wanted a new sponsor but at the same time, thought maybe AA wasn’t for me. Maybe this situation was a sign to not go through with the steps. Maybe I’ll just say fuck it.
It’s June, I’m in a new relationship, I’m searching for a new sponsor, trying to build friendships with other alcoholics, but it just feels like too much. I stopped going to meetings regularly. I just wanted to give up.
I don’t need AA and I don’t think AA needs me either.
July comes around and I’m back at meetings because I started to feel like absolute shit without them. I missed some faces in the rooms. I missed listening and sharing. I missed feeling like I belonged somewhere. This month is when I found my new sponsor and the true journey began.
I flew through the first 3 steps. They say those are usually the easiest for people and once 4th step hits, they either sit on it or leave AA altogether. I asked my sponsor, “but, why?” She replied, “because this is where the real inner work starts.”
Eh. I’ve already done a lot of inner work on myself. I’ve been sober a little bit. I have a therapist. I’m solid.
Step 4 said “hahahahahaha- get in loser.”
Have you ever taken a long hard look at yourself? Actually went back to the beginning and went through what built you, what tore you down, what made you grow and fail, and made you exactly the person you are right now? Because, I didn’t. And then I did. And then I hated myself.
“Write down your resentments, your fears, a sex inventory, and the people you’ve harmed and how…”
Once you get on this step, you don’t just move on to the 5th step (which is where you word vomit all of the shit you’re writing down to your sponsor). You take some time to do a complete inventory, making sure you’re not missing anything... and oh boy, I didn’t miss one damn thing. I wish I could show you the lengthly resentment list I made.
During this step, I experienced some of the worst anxiety and depression (and am still experiencing) that I’ve had in a long time. Maybe ever. Seeing the harm I’ve done to people and also looking at the resentments I’ve held on to, ignoring the faults of my own, caused a whirlwind of emotions.
It caused me to get in my head. Stuck in self. Focusing on partying in self-pity. Old behaviors were creeping up- my stubbornness, my passive-aggressiveness, my need for validation and reassurance, my insecurities and jealousy were showing up and I was not handling it well. There were good days and times in the day where I’d be fine but for the most part, my head and my heart were spinning.
Other alcoholics were saying that what I was feeling was completely normal. If I didn’t feel that way, I wasn’t doing the step right. They told me my mind was telling me lies.
But was it?
I was that person. Maybe I still am that person? Will I be that same person after this step? Will I still do fucked up shit even though I’m sober? WHAT IS LIFE?!
I’ve completed steps 4-8 and I am on step 9 now, which is where you make amends to the people you have harmed. It’s almost a selfish/selfless thing because you are taking accountability for your actions and genuinely apologizing for the wrongs you’ve done… but you’re also forgiving yourself at the same time and feeling a sense of freedom from the wrongs you did.
Every alcoholic I’ve talked to, said that you may feel free after the 5th step but you might still feel like shit for a while. Everyone has also said the 9th step is where you start to feel real freedom.
Well, for me, I’m still feeling like shit. Do I feel AS crazy as I was during my 4th step? No- I actually felt a little suicidal during that step (yes- I’m saying that out loud because it’s true and this is my journey). Do I still feel in my head and crazy? Yes. Will I forever? I don’t know but I don’t think so and I surely HOPE not.
The big thing throughout all of this, is the adventure of discovering my higher power. Before AA, I wasn’t super religious (I’m still not) but I’ve always felt pretty spiritual. When I was stuck in my addiction, I prayed a lot but only on the days I was hurting. I wanted God (the universe) to make it go away (and I swore I’d never drink again).
Genie- grant me those wishes.
Today, I pray and meditate every single morning (working on every single night) and I am not only praying for myself these days. I pray for my family, my friends, my partner, other alcoholics, the world…
I say certain prayers that are in Alcoholics Anonymous. I talk to my God (the universe) on a personal level- we have legit convos.
I still haven’t hit that spiritual experience that people in the rooms talk about. I’m not healed, I don’t think I ever will be, but I’m working this program. I’m trying more than I was in the beginning. I’m calling other women and other alcoholics, and I show up to meetings when I don’t feel like it.
It’s still hard for me to get super vulnerable and honest with people who are basically strangers to me. I struggle. Have I met incredible people in AA though? Absolutely. That’s where I met my partner and maybe I was led here to meet him too, who knows?
All I know is I’m going to complete these steps. I’m not going to quit although, today, that’s all I’ve been thinking about.
What’s the point?
The point is that I’m tired of quitting things before I finish them. The point is I want to grow and heal and change and be a better person than I was yesterday. The point is I want to let go of all of these traumas and burdens and resentments I’ve held on to for so long. The point is, is that I want to live and I want to live this life on life’s terms and Gods terms. It’s exhausting trying to control the outcome of everything. It’s tiring expecting people to think and feel exactly as I do. Not to mention, that’s not even real. The biggest point of all is that I want to help other alcoholics feel the joy that I’m promised when I finish these steps. I want to take my story and make use of it to help another person in need.
Happy. Joyous. Free. That’s what they say. That’s what I want. And although, right now, I may not think I deserve it or that I’m worthy and I’ll keep giving myself a hard time… I know, deep down, I deserve that life.
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