late nights...
As I lay here, sick, I think about life. It all started with me washing my face and brushing my teeth before getting in bed... again... for the 13th time today. I then picked up my phone, again. My laptop, again. I see a "friendversary" on Facebook of me and my friend who passed over a year ago. We called her Stick. I then of course went on her page, looking at all the posts people have put on her wall since her passing and clicking through every photo. I cried. It is weird to think of life as this thing we just think we will always be living. We usually don't take the time to just sit and think about how fortunate we are to be breathing. We get to experience emotions such as heartache which means that we've experienced love and happiness. We get to kiss and hug the ones we feel connected to. We get to smell flowers and candles and the perfume on someones neck. We get to taste chocolate cake and lip gloss off of a special loves lips. We get to drink champagne in celebration. We never think it will be our last laugh, our last dance, our last girls night, our last tear... we just continue on. I cried because I feel like it wasn't her time to go. She had the best laugh. She loved animals. She was so much fun. She was young and had so much more life to live. So much more life to give to others. You really just never know and we will continue to never know.
Then I started to think of things like, "am I who I want to be?" Am I going to go through my entire life being a person I was not supposed to be? But, do we ever really know who we are? I question myself all of the time. I question whether I am doing the right thing, whether I have the right job or if I am hanging out with the right people. The beauty of this life is that we will always have questions and I don't think we will ever have the answers until it's our time to leave this life. We are who we are. Yes, we can always change, for the better or for the worse. I want to read more. I want to write more. I would love to work out more and change my eating habits. Being healthier would probably make me a lot happier but constantly thinking of those things and not just being present and loving myself for who I am at this moment, ruins it. If you ask yourself if you are a good person, then you probably are. I think all we are supposed to be in this life is giving. People should love and should care. We should be nice to one another. We should also express ourselves and our opinions and try to make this life a little easier and better for everyone living it.
I ask a million questions in my head all day and sometimes I ask other's the same questions and they look at me like I am insane. The truth is, I very well could be but I think we all have these questions and thoughts and a lot of us keep them inside because we don't think anyone else will understand. Life is one big question and mystery. The people we surround ourselves with just make it more compelling, fun and easier along the way. No one understands what they are doing all of the time. No one knows who they are, completely, all of the time. I have no clue what I want but I do know one thing. We are here. We are breathing. We get up every day and most of us probably do close to the same routine. I am so done with routine. If Stick was here to tell me one thing, she would tell me to do whatever I want as long as it makes me smile and laugh. This life is so short and we don't have a clue when our timeline will end. Let's laugh a lot. Let's forget about the rules sometimes. Let's be wild. Yes, there will always be responsibilities and bills and kids and work and all of those other life things but there is also adventure and lust and dreams and travel and so much more to life that I think a lot of people don't get to experience. I think all of us should experience it.
Again, I am rambling. I am just writing words and ideas and opinions down as they come up in my head. I guess that is what late nights are for... hot tea, thinking of loved ones, life theories and rambling. If you take anything away from this post, I hope it's that you still think I am cool and that you will enjoy tomorrow to the fullest. Wake up with a smile and a sense that anything can happen. Life is wonderful. Let's not take it for granted.
Goodnight and I love all of your beautiful souls.
Then I started to think of things like, "am I who I want to be?" Am I going to go through my entire life being a person I was not supposed to be? But, do we ever really know who we are? I question myself all of the time. I question whether I am doing the right thing, whether I have the right job or if I am hanging out with the right people. The beauty of this life is that we will always have questions and I don't think we will ever have the answers until it's our time to leave this life. We are who we are. Yes, we can always change, for the better or for the worse. I want to read more. I want to write more. I would love to work out more and change my eating habits. Being healthier would probably make me a lot happier but constantly thinking of those things and not just being present and loving myself for who I am at this moment, ruins it. If you ask yourself if you are a good person, then you probably are. I think all we are supposed to be in this life is giving. People should love and should care. We should be nice to one another. We should also express ourselves and our opinions and try to make this life a little easier and better for everyone living it.
I ask a million questions in my head all day and sometimes I ask other's the same questions and they look at me like I am insane. The truth is, I very well could be but I think we all have these questions and thoughts and a lot of us keep them inside because we don't think anyone else will understand. Life is one big question and mystery. The people we surround ourselves with just make it more compelling, fun and easier along the way. No one understands what they are doing all of the time. No one knows who they are, completely, all of the time. I have no clue what I want but I do know one thing. We are here. We are breathing. We get up every day and most of us probably do close to the same routine. I am so done with routine. If Stick was here to tell me one thing, she would tell me to do whatever I want as long as it makes me smile and laugh. This life is so short and we don't have a clue when our timeline will end. Let's laugh a lot. Let's forget about the rules sometimes. Let's be wild. Yes, there will always be responsibilities and bills and kids and work and all of those other life things but there is also adventure and lust and dreams and travel and so much more to life that I think a lot of people don't get to experience. I think all of us should experience it.
Again, I am rambling. I am just writing words and ideas and opinions down as they come up in my head. I guess that is what late nights are for... hot tea, thinking of loved ones, life theories and rambling. If you take anything away from this post, I hope it's that you still think I am cool and that you will enjoy tomorrow to the fullest. Wake up with a smile and a sense that anything can happen. Life is wonderful. Let's not take it for granted.
Goodnight and I love all of your beautiful souls.
Comments
Post a Comment